at the resort hottubing with french twins, who brought champange. this should be a postcard.
we were like drunken butterflies among sober caterpillars,
is there a legit reason for the weird voicemail I got at 2:14am?all I could make out was 'help me' 'two hours' and 'toilet butt'. wtf did u drink.
I just wanted to let you know that this afternoon I took a piss at the same toliet you drank out of on New Years Eve.
Attention ladies coming to the party tonight! Tonight will be another chance to win the 5 bucks for getting my cousin hard. Bring your a-game, no one has been able to overcome the whiskey dick yet. Good luck.
It wasn't until I took a shit, that I remembered that you assholes started spiking my shots with tobasco when I wasn't looking last night. Dicks.
I am pretty sure they consider me one of the "bros". They compliment girl's racks to me and are the human forms of dick-be-gone. They won't sleep with me more than once cause it's "weird", or let any "untrustworthy boys" sleep with me and I still help them get laid. Not...fair...
I heard you were drinking whiskey straight from the bottle last night.
Actually I was drinking whiskey straight from 3 bottles, but that is neither here nor there.
I should never be allowed to dance around children at weddings. I think I just insured that a 4 year old will be a future teen mom.
Our music was glorious. Maidens were deflowered to the sound of my voice.
I actually haven't slept with anyone in a while. I think my whore phase is just seasonal.
Come on, what straight woman, gay man, or bi person HASN'T scrolled through Justin Trudeau pictures after a bad day?
Clearly you need to take sleeping pills and put your phone in the toilet
I woke up with my winter coat on, next to a polaroid of me, her and a swan...so no I don't remember our conversation.
It's fucking 2020, I should be able to watch Netflix in the buff while making brownies without you getting preachy about it.
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