the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
Why is it that you only get to have sex when you haven't shaved your legs in six weeks and are wearing period stained granny panties?
Drunk, high, and in a taco costume. Wish you were here.
I just watched a girl in the library pull a vodka bottle out of her bag. I think I'm going to give her my number.
Just went through ex bf's and hook up buddys and liked pictures of them on facebook. A friendly reminder that I will be back in for the holidays
So my girlfriend used a threesome to tell me she wanted to leave me for a girl... Not entirely sure how I should feel about that.
I can't believe they didnt cut us off after we all hugged each other and started singing "were the 3 best friends that anybody could have" RIGHT IN FRONT of the bar and bartender...
that wasn't rum that I poured down your throat while you were sleeping
I just took a shower and found half a cookie melted under my boob. Please tell me there's a reason
It was like an ecstasy filled massage for my vagina.
That's the best compliment I have ever received.
A valentines day commercial would come on while I'm masturbating...
I got back and Katie was asleep holding a burrito. I woke her up and she ate it and passed back out.
He got too drunk... he threw up ON the closed toilet.
It's a Jersey thing
That's when I realized I was probably naked in the wrong bed
Imagine how different my life would be if I could find a man who gave me more pleasure than pizza at 2am when I'm drunk.
Randomize
