Highlight of the day: realizing the man in the car next to mine was getting road head... at 2:45pm... nicely done sir, nicely done.
on a side note you can NOT make bong water out of a pear
Best. Handjob. Ever.
I'm guessing Kelly is over?
Nope. Home alone.
For some reason I have a hard time believing getting drunk and recreating a movie about singing transvestites is ever very far from a situation you're in.
You have all of her herpes and none of my sympathy
Either I'm deep cleaning my apartment out of severe academic procrastination or I'm subconsciously nesting and need to take a pregnancy test.
I met this girl the other day and found out her boyfriend is a helicopter pilot. How the fuck do you compete with that.
It's cool, I power napped on the dryer while they were fucking in the bathroom so I'm good to go now. Where are you?
YOHYFONSO!! YOU ONLY HAVE YOUR FIRST ONE NIGHT STAND ONCE!!
I would do everything over again, except the fireball.
I almost don't wanna have sex with her because I'm afraid she'll steal my hat
I'm in jersey with marbles.. He's blasted about to fuck a manatee and his entire family is trying to stop it. His mother punched me in the chest for not trying hard enough
THIS THING HATES MY LIVER
How did people get blow jobs before text messaging?
I woke up and there was a huge blow up palm tree in my bed...
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