so my phone accidentally called my dad from my purse at 2:14am....he has a 5 min voicemail of me discussing how Alicia should bang the guy who eats good pussy... i can never look at my dad in the face again....
it is 7:54 and i am surrounded by drunk old people. drunk enough that my grandmother and her friend just compared boobs. as in, shirts off, bras coming down. save me.
Can you come over to my place and make up for the crap you called sex yesterday?
Good morning to you
What are the odds of finding the one hot Australian dude with erecile dysfunction?
I'm cheerleading for traffic. people are staring. Why am i the only high person on the way to class?
Article 1, law 1, section 1 of the apartment 25 party handbook: tarp will be purchased prior to any and all future parties. Aforementioned tarp will be placed on floor. Any and all sick patrons must relocate to tarp preceding the event of expulsion of bodily fluids. Failure to do so will result in ejection of guilty patron and banishment of the accused from succeeding party. All patrons must read and sign a copy before entry is granted.
Some clips from last night: grinded like I haven't since college. Took shots with a bartender with a bad ass mustache. Made up a string of lies with fake names and occupations. Slept behind the couch with pizza in my hand
I told you, she may have multiple personality disorder, but like in the most upbeat way possible.
someone stole all your weed so you told us you were planning each of our deaths
I was blacked out when we met, so basically this will be a blind date.
The Stanley Cup Final is killing me. I can't go to work drunk again.
Yeah man, you were grinding with his wife, I wouldn't be worried about it
dont know if she was trying to start a lawnmower or jerk me off. still wasnt to bad though
I came and sneezed at the same time. Words can't describe how awesome it was.
I visited the library for the first time in my college career tonight and I got laid. I think I'm gonna come back...
Randomize
