My room smells like vodka and shame
Turns out drinking large amounts of Gentleman Jack does NOT turn you into a Gentleman -- quite the opposite actually.
The prescription for my birth control just blew away in the wind on my way back from the health center. It's like god wants me to get pregnant
there was a sad and surprising lack of "did strippers and blow" in that sentence
I walked in on her just letting her nose bleed into her friend's hands
So essentially hes paying me $150k/year for the rest of his career to not have sex
SERIOUSLY? WTF! why cant I find a super hot, super gay, super conservative christian NFL player in need of a beard?
you were wearing a pair of wings and handing out McDonalds apple pies, if anyone refers to you as the "Rave Fairy" you now know why.
THIS EXPLAINS SO MUCH.
If you can find a Canadian Lesbian to have pity sex with me, let me know.
We are magical, pot smoking, smart as hell, single as fuck, woodland dolphins.
getting busted for public urination is like, a step above j-walking. you'll be fine
His friend still there? Be like "I need to see both of your dicks ASAP"
Let's be honest, I'm cooking chicken nuggets in my Helm jersey and underwear who has their life more together than me?
See, remember when you wanted to get an Ashley Madison account and I told you not to and you hated me? You. Are. Welcome.
What the fuck dude? Now it's a "who is this?" convo going back and forth. Like... helllloooo you just sent me a picture of your penis! I'm entitled to ask who the fuck it is. I can't verify an identity by a body part.
I haven't even lived here for 24 hours yet, and I've already banged someone. My new hoe life is off to a great start.
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