She was so drunk that I kept trying to switch out her wine for water. Sort of like Jesus, but in reverse.
there is a ziplock bag over sangria in a wineglass in the fridge...classy?
i spent 15 mins trying to take money out of ATM with my drivers license saying, "what the fuckkkk" everytime it didnt work
I have all these new brothers and sisters I'm just now finding out about
Thank you, bloody toiletpaper I found in the hamper. I was worried that today was going to be boring.
At one point in time, he cried and said I didn't appreciate him.
Just got done fucking the squirter chick. She came when we were in a 69. I now know what it's like to be water boarded.
I'm not gonna lie; I was dosed with mushrooms and am eating pickles with a guy in all white. It's weird, but I'm down. Help.
walk of shame this morning involved walking through the in-home daycare that she runs while it was full of kids. judgemental little shits. on a plus, got a juice box and a graham cracker for the walk home.
If you don't sing me a lullaby then I'll just take shots till I pass out
You lit a fire in my vagina no man can extinguish.
Ok, not to minimize the significance of that beautiful anecdote from your childhood, but here's a video of my penis.
All right well I’m making her sugar cookies and sleeping with her husband tonight. Just another manic Monday
What were you even doing out there at 2 a.m.?
Look, i had a gallon of lemonade, a pack of smokes and a Darth Vader voice changer. What did you EXPECT me to do?
Upstairs definitely just had sex while I wrote you love poetry. That was a fun experience 🤷🏻♀️
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