last night i was so high that when a homeless person asked me for a dollar, i responded: dolla dolla bill ya'll.
We were doing it doggy style, and I puked on the floor and started crying, he told me it was okay his cat would eat it... and if it would make me feel better we could do anal...
And they lived happily ever after....
Oh my god. I think I just sexted my mom...
What?!
Fwd: Ride me, you sleek sleek woman!!!
once I found out that a naked stripper wasn't gonna pop out of the cake I kind of just lost interest in the party
She hadn't heard about the oil spill. She gave dumb blondes a whole new standard to aim for. I did her anyway...but that isn't the point.
still using moms red Christmas cookie plate she sent to cut lines on. not sure I can return with a clear conscious
Good idea. You gotta take care of your vagina. She takes care of you. Pay it forward.
why does he always try to puke into shot glasses
Recycling day makes me feel more like an alcoholic than regular days.
If you don't want me in your apartment then lock your door better
I texted him a series of texts in which the first letters of each text spelled out "WE SHOULD HAVE SEX". If that's not dedication to the dick, I don't know what is
The part of "Dave" will now be played by "Rob." Rob, why don't you unzip and show Dave why that is.
I'm honestly just saving all my liver's power for when I die this weekend. that's how it works right
I'm extremely upset that I wasted my "having sex with a guy at work" card on him
You got into an extremely loud argument with a juggalo and slapped him, he started crying and everyone cheered.
I remember that, it happened before I started drinking. I thought you said I did something shameful?
Randomize
