The girl I was getting head from just called my dick an anteater...I hate my parents for not cutting my cock tip off.
i love marijuana more then i could love a human baby.
she pooped in my shower. pooped. woke me up and said she thought she farted but it wasnt a fart i went back 2 sleep and found it hours later. no longer hooking up w chicks my moms age.
you started whispering 'the itsy bitsy spider' while you were putting your hands up my shorts.
Most the numbers in my phone are mistakes. It's a virtual graveyard of people I should never pick up for.
Sitting in the library lobby in the middle of exam week. Drunk. Dressed as santas slutty helper. Waiting for the student shuttle service. People are clapping for me as they walk by. Tell me how this isnt college
you were watching a documentary about sharks and wouldn't stop stroking my legs and whispering "what if they could walk?"
You're cordially invited to the love nest for alcoholic and aquatic adventures. Also known as an all expense paid trip to my pool, alcohol, and vagina.
I just spent the last ten minutes making a timeline of my sex life. 2010 and 2011 I am calling "I can't believe Im still clean" years.
He kissed my hand AND my forehead. I don't think this virginity business is for heartless whores like us.
Just woke up with an eye that wont open, a half eaten piece of pizza on my chest and a raging boner.
We need to stop going on dates to the strip club.
Fall is here I will miss walking downtown in nothing but paint and pasties
Well I typed "penicillin a" into the search engine and before I could finish "penicillin and drinking" popped up. Google knows me too well.
I'd rather explain to the cops why I'm naked than why I'm drunk.
Randomize
