do you know how bad I want you right now?
As bad as i want you to stop texting me?
is that a hint?
if there werent so many compromising pictures of me in the hands of so many liberal friends, id consider going into politics
I think my tv knows when im high and tells taco bell
Dude they even gave me free lube for being tested! Best. Hiv test. EVER.
i woke up this morning next to my toilet covered in an attempt to make blanket of toilet paper
He tried eating fireworks, to stop him being hungover in the morning. Where do you keep finding these people?!
Okay throwing up in my mouth a little = time to go home
What people don't tell you about near death experiences is they give you a full on chub
Drinking a bawls. If I'm dead when you get home, yes, they are poisoned.
Tequila ran out around 11 so she let them do body shots of chips and guacamole instead
It's amazing how hard it it while drunk to not comment "fuck you" on dumb peoples' statuses
Was Mr. ROBOT good? I missed it. I just fucked dental hygienist on the trampoline in my backyard
Someone signed my nipple.
We have massive handle of kettle and a rack of hi life
That's the happiest ive ever been at 7:48 am....
Did you guys just have three hour sex? You both stopped and restarted texting me at the same time
If I were to say yes, would we still be friends?
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