If it looks like I didn't change from last night, it's because I didn't.
My mom is getting really tired of hearing the excuse 'it's 5 oclock somewhere'
I woke up to him eating cereal out of my viking helmet with a shot glass. No idea where he got the milk.
i feel like words won't express my appreciation properly so at some point i'm just going to bring you pizza then go down on you for an hour. fair?
Amazing how you can get from "Merry Christmas" to sex in three texts.
I could have done it in 2
No you usually just ranted about the voicemail bitch until she cut you off again
Um...celebrating is an understatement. You flashed the guy at the mexican restaurant and then screamed, "It's just my bikini, I swear!"
my mom found me passed out in the kitchen floor with the Brita pitcher.. Happy Mothers Day
I know. It's cray. Crayon. Crayolaaaaa.
I need to stop drinking alone, I wrote a love letter to my tattoos
its like i had a thought but i dont know what the words are for it
Nothing says love like couples STD testing
Nothing says breakup like the results
I told him I was gunna have sex with him in both of our cars at the same time.
You said you brought chipotle into a movie and I asked you to marry me and you said yes
This is stupid. I am not getting knocked up from fucking in his backseat behind a starbucks. I refuse.
Randomize
