I'm talking handstands, sex in broad daylight, waking me up in the middle of the night. CRAZY
handstands? WTF?
she was a gymnast
go to hell.
Duck Duck Cougar?
I need to stop coming to work sober
She’s leaving for college so I made her a gift basket with all the essentials. You know- Ramen, a 12 pack of PBR, some leftover Plan B pills and a laminated business card for a good lawyer. Damn I’m a good big sister.
It's American, baby! There ain't nothin gross about America.
is it bad that the only reason i knew what antidote meant in class today, was from years of playing pokemon?
New years is officially the only time its okay to drunk dial your parents.
You tried to get the stranger on the sea bus to give you a bite of his chicken sub by repeating over and over "im in a girl band"
you pulled down your pants to convince a girl you were god
Well, my nose won't stop bleeding from really bad cocaine and my purse is full of plastic gold coins. Also, someone saved in my phone as "tyrannosaurus sex" won't quit texting me. Savannah won. Let's put it that way.
I'm all about sex. But even I know there will be a time to retire my junk. And that will be my 40th birthday, or whenever I'm hideous
I built a fence. For the bunnies we're going to adopt. I'll fill you in when you get home.
You know you can't live off of vodka and pizza rolls forever
I'VE ALREADY MADE MY CHOICE
Where does drinking Flat, warm beer from two days ago rank of the No Fucks Given scale?
About to go make a man out of a 24 year old boy
As I shove my ninth taquito of the day into my mouth...
Picking our battles
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