the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
so... my grandma just told me i should be a stripper
well at least shes not calling you fat anymore
Pot didnt help. Now Im even sadder but now im afraid of the clouds and the crickets.
I just woke up and shes still asleep next to me with her vibrator inside her and on. Whats normal protocol for this situation?
I woke up with dick mouth, a raw vagina, an empty bottle of vodka and the best man next to me. I also found my thong by the pool. Best.Wedding.Ever.
I swear I could audibly hear her vagina slam shut when you walked up to hit on her.
She blew me in the back of the cab while eye of the tiger was on the radio. Top five all time automatically
Oh I already celebrated valentine's day. I stayed up until 4 AM listening to biggie, drinking rum, and caressing all my girl curves in front of the mirror. And then I came 3 times.
While looking for socks, I found my mothers sex toy box. Dear god I finally understand where my kinkiness comes from.
Ok she stopped using her fork and knife and is legit eating that steak using her hands.
I've needed to start drinking protein shakes to keep up with her. It's like my dick just started doing crossfit.
We are best friends because we can vomit simultaneously in the same toilet and not care
I've never been so drunk at home. I just sat on the toilet playing with toilet paper for ten minutes, I almost made a paper crane.
I am such a fucking liability at weddings. I ended up making out with this married 40-year-old that told me that basically if I came home with him and be a sex partner for him and his wife, I would never have to pay for anything again. Extremely considered it.
He passed out before we could have sex. I had no choice but to use his boner to hold my onion rings.
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