sitting in my room eating a boneless rib tv dinner, and listening to taylor swift's love story, and i sharted. had to finish the ribs and hear the end of the song before i went to the bathroom to wipe.
Keeping hand sanitizer and lube in the same drawer in the same size bottle = awful idea
this guy just used the pickup line "God must have spent a little more time on you" I recognized the nsync lyric immediately.
He was taking the caps off the vodka bottles and throwing them out the window so we'd have to finish them. Engineers have the best logic.
Why do I have flashes of a dark shed in my memory?
Because we had sex in one.
i feel as uncomfortable as your camel toe looks.
Are my feet made of real feet?
I'm at your house, laying with your dog, eating taco meat, take your time.
If I'm not up by 8, will you please knock on my door?
That depends, can you stop texting me while you're masturbating?
Touche.
I CAN STILL HEAR YOUR VIBRATOR.
I have a challenge for you: find out where you are. you will receive Taco Bell if you succeed
I think I just wrote a poem about your penis but it was totally unintentional.
last night you told me I had a dark, salty butthole
And on the first day of my adult job, I matched with one of my co workers on tinder...
Sometimes I look at dogs and just thing about how it's weird we both came from wolves
Lay off the drugs kid
Let’s be real here. NOTHING says Real Adulting like rolling a J on your line of credit paperwork.
Randomize
