wat bout pragnant strippers??
Dude, this chick just tossed my salad hard. All that I could picture was a dog trying to get the last of the peanut butter out of the jar of Jiff and trying not to think of how grotesque my last dump was.
Then she tried to kiss me and I wouldn't and she got pissed off and went to sleep. Then about an hour later, her kid called her. She went home and on the way out I told her to wash her mouth before she kissed her kid good night. Weird night..
All I'm saying, is that being compared to a Muppet is not the end of the world.
dude she was givin me head and stops and looks up at me and tells me she loves me, then goes ''alright now cum in my mouth''.... pretty sure shes the one
You filled up my voicemail with a slurred but graphic depiction of how you were humping a fire hydrant.
i just ran into my boss at the liquor store. we didnt exchange words, just nodded in mutual understanding.
there is no excuse for drinking mascato in your room alone while listening to one-hit wonders from the 90s
I found a body half wedged into my bedroom wall this morning. How do I explain THIS to the carpenters?
Matt you can be anything you want to be. Including the awesome guy that brings pizza to a bunch of stoned and sorta drunk kids.
No. I either had a 6 minute orgasm or I had so many I lost count. I'm still not sure.
Then again, he has huge mansions.
*manboobs.
What's more sad than going to Target to buy Plan B and the new Sam Smith album?
We took a walk on the beach after the bar, he held my hand and kissed me. And then I peed under a lifeguard stand. It was so romantic.
How drunk are you?
Completed.
yeah, I woke up with nacho cheese crusted all over my face and head...a lone jalapeno still stuck in my ear...you win this round drunk nachos....
Randomize
