The more I sober up, the more sick I am/realize how weird dancing around a wine bottle was
i woke up with a shirt on. the kids in my daycare group had a lot of questions when i took off my shirt at the pool to reveal "property of brittany" written on my chest and an arrow pointing to my dick.
So I just found out that my mom and dad arent married
What? They have three kids?
Yep. And apparently I have a half brother. Happy Birthday to me
i wish my apartment had room service that i didn't have to pay for.
I want to get laid tonight but my sheets haven't been washed since vomiting in them on Halloween :(
i carry sandwiches in my pockets more than any normal person should
I will now attempt to shave my public hair into a Christmas tree.
im sorry for trying to flush a roll of toilet paper down with my puke. probably not great for your toilet
Its official the day you get back into town we are having a going away to jail party for me. My last wish before prison is to shit faced drunk with you, get into a fist fight, and then cuddle up and fall asleep. Just like old times <3
Well I guess I'll go shower now and wash all the stripper off.
but seriously, an anthropology paper shouldn't be hard if you're trashed, right?
Okay so how much boob would you consider inappropriate for smart casual?
I peed outside 4 times after the bar, safe to say I had great night
She did NOT find it funny to come upstairs to find me with the word "MISERY" written on my forehead in magic marker and the label to the vodka bottle replaced with a scrap of paper taped around that says "COMPANY"
Dude there's ten thousand dollars worth of damage to the kids house and three thousand in stolen property and his dog is missing he is pissed
If I give him back his dog do you think he'll invite me to the next party
Randomize
