Fake titties should be able inflate and deflate like tires. So on Saturday you can put on your Double D hooker titties or Sunday put on your size B church tits.
please take me off your list of people to text when you don't want to drink by yourself.
Hey guys, just to let you know, I have a boyfriend...so that hookup was kind of a one time thing.
was that a mass text??
Swear to god, if I have to wingman for you on my honeymoon I'm gonna be pissed
i woke up the next morning in a pool of blood in my bathroom and a pinata donkeys head in my bed
so much for an anticlimactic 22nd birthday
I tried to interpretive dance to Candy Shop to stop the awkwardness.
Is adulthood just morning sex and then walking through the grocery store 20 min later looking for something to take to work for lunch?
...and then running into your dad at said grocery store...
At one point I was waiting in line for the port o potties and a storm trooper came out of one and sprayed me in the face with a water gun
Like that actually happened I wasn't hallucinating
He went to WalMart with $30 and came back with a watch, a basketball and an engagement ring.
It's a little weird that I'm blowing my wingman.
I can't wait for you to tell me about your sex.
It's a short, short story.
He fed us edamame like baby birds. Slowly all coming back to me.
You said you were going to start drinking less. Drinking 25 small airplane bottle shots do not count.
He's being awfully beer snobby for a guy who ordered salad
His front door was open but I INSISTED on army crawling FOOT FIRST under the garage door. Then I peed the bed.
Randomize
