Yah man, that place is surreal
Man, I'm from Tennessee. What the fuck is surreal?
Apparently last night I sat at the bar with an upside down sharpie lightning bolt on my forehead, yelling "It's Harry Potter's birthday! Let me be on the qudditch team!" And I kept calling the bartender Dobby. There are videos.
so whats your words to drink to for the state of the union? mine are 'change' 'fight' and 'you know'.
mine is 'the'.
Sandwiches are there for you when porn isn't.
I have a beer in one hand and a slim fast in another. It's another one of those wednesday nights.
Her vagina smelt so bad I lied and told her that I was married just so that she would leave.
Made a vodka juice box out of a ziploc bag and a straw for when I drive. Doesn't count as an open beverage container anymore.
Also, just had a student offer to sell me Xanax. Want some? Just for like a rainy day. Or our memorial day shitshow. Or just another Wednesday night.
tonight were gonna drink champagne and watch girls put themselves in awkward position
That money I left you should go to the stripper that fell asleep in your bed. Sorry
Just delivered a pizza to a holiday inn and a delivery driver from Me n Ed's walked up at the same time, we both were going to the same floor so we stood in the elevator making small talk about delivery stuff, but a small part of me wanted to deck him, stand over him and shout,"FOR THE HUT MOTHERFUCKER, FOR THE HUT!"
Jesus christ, don't start a pizza delivery gang war.
I don't want to sleep with anyone. I just want a burrito
I FUCKED WHEELCHAIR DUDE
HE'S INTO WEIRD SHIT
GOOD KIND OF WEIRD SHIT
Now that I'm sober I feel the need to tell you that I'm not really a fish whisperer....
Quick question: now that you've broken up, should I also delete the nudes your boyfriend sent me while you were together??
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