Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
Just saw actual Chinese people doing a Chinese firedrill. Good day.
I sharted in my sleep... I didnt even think that was possible.
If I can't get a one-legged man to love me, what the hell chance do I have with a NORMAL guy???
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I just blurted out "it's pretty tight isn't it"
Last awkward moment of 2011: your ex gf grinding on me in front of her husband.
Your ankle brace is here and the saw is charged. Grab some vodka that cast is coming off tonight.
We need to figure out what we are doing for halloween asap. I'm not going out like a punk ass bitch burger king again this year.
Right now I'm standing in front of my fridge, drinking wine out of the bottle and eating cold steak with my hands. I am THE BEST at being single.
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But how do I turn off the feelings though?
Vodka.
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
I'm drunk and in a paddle boat and my friend won't quit yelling about pandas. Does this ever happen to you?
Would you be opposed to me keeping a live lobster in the shower for a bit?
What are you talking about? Keg stands at wedding are super classy.
i just found a pair of your underwear stuffed behind my harry potter books...was that on purpose?
haha no, it was majik
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