How come it tastes like onions whenever I go down on her?
Fuck positive energy. I choose drinking instead,
He came on my chin and called me cumbledore. i give up.
what's with the bloody hand print on the hood of your car
The last thing I said to him last night before telling him he couldn't give me a kiss goodnight was pointing at his dick then at me and saying "this isn't working out"
I'm worried my skin won't stretch enough to handle this boner. Then what?
I don't remember because I was drunk out of my mind, but I have it on good authority that weed cinnamon buns at 3 in the morning with chocolate milk are better than sex.
The random guy I fucked from craigslist said I had the best smile. I take compliments where i can get them
It's like some sort of initiation to finger one of them... so I did it. And got high fived afterwards like a dozen times.
Those were right hand only?
There's a guy here who is improvising his own shadow dance on a table against the wall, in case you're wondering how my night is going
The walk home lasted longer than the sex. He lives in the flat above the bar.
Made eye contact with his twin sister the day after he gave me a lifechanging blowjob. Do you think she knows?
He texted his hospitalized grandma while inside me, so really a perfect gentleman.
Heard I spat fire in your face last night. Wish I could say that I'm sorry
House vote, we're revoking your 151 privileges
I'm sorry.
I know you think you’re ready to graduate but just keep these things in mind: taxes, I get up at 5 AM every morning, I have to buy vegetables when I go grocery shopping, and I can’t wear sweat pants to work. Take that victory lap and enjoy the sweat pants and bar hopping because it goes downhill real quick.
Randomize
