Sweetheart, you've always been a horrid bitch...
I woke up in what appears to be a taco bell graveyard in my bed.
My mom walked down and caught me drinking by myself, watching the nanny at 3:30AM. I had no idea what to say
He just pushed one of his testicles up into his stomach and called himself lance armstrong. I can't make this shit up.
my roommate just said she thinks she got a flashback or some memory of me getting hit by a car.
Pants off. Spirits lifted.
I'm hoping my engineering degree will pay off when I invent porn watching in the shower
Just found out that his ringtone for me is a train blowing bc and I quote 'I know when you call I'm getting laid'
Also my bed has glitter in it for reasons I do not recall
in the middle of telling this chick to sober up i was shotgunning beers. im gonna be ab awsome nurse.
That car ride home was pretty awkward. Your feeling up the girlfriend to the guy who's throwing up out the window. Thanks for that.
I wear drunk well.
I'm on someone's yacht. I don't know who. But I'm on it. There's a guy passed out in a kilt holding bagpipes. Help.
i love you and all, but can that be the last orgy with your wife?
It actually wasn't the first time that a guy I just met ate me out in the back seat of his car in a starbucks parking lot in the middle of the day.
Randomize
