Why are there hot girls at the dollar store?
The recession has changed everything man.
this episode of spongebob makes me wish crabby patties were real
she said "lets play dickbreaker!" and then threw my blackberry at my dick as hard as she could.
I love how understanding people are when they hear we first hooked up getting high and watching nature shows
"I never want to have to say, 'Please don't squirt me with your breast milk' again.
not to be a dick but do you remember the names of all your friends i made out with after we broke up?
He turned off the music when i walked in and introduced me to everyone. then they gave me jager and made me chug it while holding a giant purple dildo. everything resumed when i finished
yeah, i'm not. but i'm ready for free bjs. it's just hard to find women who will give me a beej while i'm sobbing uncontrollably
He has pizza coupons and a hammer next to his toilet.
"Wait, who's gun did I have?" Moments when you re-examine your life choices.
Blonde girl lying face-down, passed out next to my bed, walls are covered in guacamole. College is looking excellent.
Hey ER girl, its the EMT you beat at blowjobs shots last night.
That is the scariest sentence I have ever read.
AT THIS RATE YOU WILL HAVE FUCKED MORE OF MY CLOSE FRIENDS THAN I HAVE PEOPLE PERIOD BY VALENTINE'S DAY.
I smell like heartbreak.
Tequila and sloppy rebound sex?
How did you know?
He can move his dick. Like on its own. WHY DID I NOT GIVE BLOWJOBS BEFORE?!
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