WAIT U DIDN'T FEED THE SQUIRREL?
Please come fuck me. I had the worst sex of my life the other night and I need to be reminded that sex is actually enjoyable
The idea of snorting emergen-c actually just crossed my mind.
Just so you know swallowing does not help chest colds. Your Phd can suck my dick
It took all the strength I had tto sit at my desk and not tear off my business attire and run screaming from adulthood and flourescent lights.
I was more obsessed with the sweat stain on her back that was simultaneously shaped like a vagina and the virgin Mary.
I want you to read this conversation tomorrow and be proud of the fact that you taught me how to decipher any drunk message. Good job.
im in the library and there's this guy on a computer just staring at a google image of beer. finals week is rough.
Naw, the sex dungeon had to come down so we could build a nursery. Cause and effect really.
There was a time I was reining queen of Sunday funday... And at that same time I also weighed 20 pounds more, had the morale of a spearmint rhino stripper, and woke up most mornings asking more questions than fucking Barbara Walters. I think I just wrote my own epitaph.
time out. can we just pause the wholesome understanding friendship thing and be fuck buddies for a night?
we need a secret handshake
He probably thinks you're playing hard to get.
Hard to get?? I'm playing leave me the fuck alone.
Just went to court for a citation. Guess who my DA was? That girl I ATM'd last weekend. No ticket for me!
I can't go to the bars anymore. She wanted to see me again and I drunkenly told her I was moving today. If she spots me I'm fucked.
he's not even weird he's been offering me different drinks all night
oh i remember now hes the guy that liked when i peed on him
Randomize
