Doo rag and shades in the bar. You are missing your future husband.
I'm watching a Sinbad stand up special. Not even drugs can make this funny.
just had cupcakes and mountain dew for dinner-now i'm playing super mario brothers. 10 year olds all over the world would kill to be me.
There are bruises on the top of my foot. The pole won.
2 rounds of irish car bombs have already been taken to your 5 year sober anniversary
I've got to admit, I'm a little hesitant about giving him road head. I've seen how he drives and I've seen how he acts when I give him head. A small part of me is saying this is going to end badly.
As soon as they started using chocolate milk as a chaser for captain Morgan, I thought l it'd be best to leave.
Please ignore everything I told you about my girlfriends vagina last night.
He rubbed aloe on my sunburn while I blew him... could he be anymore perfect?
I'm gonna write a book. Almost Awesome: all the times I ALMOST got laid.
I think we ended 5-7 relationships as well this weekend...so another good stat
the bouncer just handed me a Starbucks bag of pound cake
We just finished having sex and as soon as we get out of bed he yells "trust fall" and runs me over
Only I could dislocate my ribcage coaching volleyball and still want to get drunk tonight.
You're lucky I'm holding your vagina in my best interests
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