woke up with a used condom shoved in my ear. i officially hate alcohol.
I looked up while we were having sex to see him covering my pillow pet's eyes with his free hand. I think I'm in love
With your fertility you would just get contact pregnant
When you wake up so hungover that you don't even wanna cough for fear of vomiting... It's not gunna be a good day.
Right now I'm standing in front of my fridge, drinking wine out of the bottle and eating cold steak with my hands. I am THE BEST at being single.
I passed out and slept in my car. Now I feel like a hungover zoo animal. Look and laugh people, look and laugh.
You asked the bartender if she was trying to get you drunk. She cut you off after that.
Is it weird that the cop that arrested me called me twice to tell me that I left my ring at the police station
A man just squeezed past me in a tight space and said, "Excuse us."
My poor liver. I drank enough on NYE to sustain an alcohol addiction for the entirety of 2015.
Shes yelled my World of Warcraft name when we were having sex, I think marriage is next.
I feel like your boyfriend deserves to know that you're a lesbian.
What's an appropriate gift to bring to my boyfriend's wife's baby shower?
Shame?
We kicked down a door together last night, pretty sure that qualifies us as best friends.
Responsible things to do when you're too hungover to get out of bed: Breast self exam.
Randomize
