We walk out of his house and his dad is there, so I had to meet him and shake his hand pretending that same hand hadn't been down his son's pants five minutes earlier
I making dinner, so you might want to actually come home tonight.
oh, you finally did the dishes then?
No, bought new ones.
the last 2 times weve had drunk sex ive had to get the morning after pill.. he's turning into a real expensive fuck buddy.
i spelled "betch" that way on purpose, don't question my abilities as a drunk texter
What do you think french fries on pizza would taste like?
i already know. Delicious. Use ranch.
NEVER LET ME DO THIS AGAIN I FEEL LIKE I'M GONNA SHIT MYSELF TO DEATH ARGHHHHHGHHG IS THIS WHAT DYSENTERY FEELS LIKE
You called your ex's vag an "AIDS Pinata". Drunk You is the Hulk Hogan of insults.
We can't tell anyone we fucked because I'm still trying to get with your friend. Is she coming next weekend?
I just took two shots of Burnerts out of a ladle. Get here now.
I spent the money she owed me on enough magnum condoms to make a blimp. Damn right I'm going to make the best of it.
You walked in wearing nothing but a beekeeper mask
I'll truly miss your penis but your use of words and phrases such as bae, yolo, swag, and totes have ruined how attractive you once were.
We could never date. He doesn't drink and he won't bring me tacos after sex. He's on that healthy life bullshit.
I don't know. Seeing the vagina stretched out beyond normal proportions is like watching your favorite superhero die.
Sexual Dilemma - Covid Edition: Flirting with a cute frat boy. The Cougar in me wants to go back to his frat house and fuck his cocky brains out. The adult in me doesn’t want to get Covid and have to quarantine in a frat house for 2 weeks\n
Randomize
