I would like to feed your fingertips to the wolverines.
his facebook status quotes britney spears so there is always that
i just googled "alcohol delivery service". im combating drunk driving one lazy act a time.
I'm using process of elimination to determine which of our neighbors i fucked last night.
Please tell me why 'cock-a-thon' was auto saved in my phone.
you said you wanted to feel how much my penis weighed for educational purposes
What do you think french fries on pizza would taste like?
i already know. Delicious. Use ranch.
COOKIE DOUGH CUPCAKES ARE A THING
Did you really just send me a blank text in response to news as awesome as that?
We decided to make playlists for each other. Do you know any songs that say "sorry I'm not as hot as your prostitute ex?"
Idk man, most things I eat are even better than I expected. Like when I drunkenly put mac and cheese on a slice of cheese pizza or when I soberly put mac and cheese into a Taco Bell burrito.
i mean hes a break dancing puerto rican, how do you think the sex was?
I'm not even the least bit surprised that I whored myself out for tiramisu
THEY'RE TEXTING LIKE MIDDLE AGED SOCCER MOMS WHAT DO I DO
I love my cat. she doesnt judge when i stumble in my house drunk and pass out on my floor. my dog looks at me disappointed.
He wants to play improv games now whenever he gets drunk. Sometimes I just do not have the energy for that kind of a thing
Randomize
