I hate babysitting girls whose boobs are bigger than mine.
You wanted to speak to the manager of mcdonalds as to why a "bag of cheeseburgers" isn't a menu option.
things I have learned from cosmo today- 40% of guys are uncircumsized, you can have a beer facial, and i really need to get tested for std's
gpnpr hd vmdd nm the ggrl whm was mn my lar
I need you to use more vowels.
i wasn't going to tell her about the threesome but i had to explain the tree and the green paint everywhere
Under someone's bed. Not sure whose. I think they're sleeping in it.
Just pulled back my covers. Jizz. Jizz everywhere. Hipster jizz everywhere on my only set of sheets.
He broke up with his gf yesterday so he could give me our annual Christmas sex at midnight.
Marry him. Now.
He passed out with the ball in his hand so no one could play beer pong without him.
I'm gonna take off my shirt and spin it around my head like petey Pablo so u can find us
Also, I called my liver hardcore in front of vet students last night and then wound up having three of them trying to palpate it. So...not saying that again.
I'm about to eat a honey mustard chicken salad on the toilet while I try to shit. You really think I care about what "kind of guy he is?" The fuck out of here.
If you don't care, I don't. Good luck finding prince charming.
Sorry I crashed a riding mower into your garage door. No hard feelings??
He let me share his family pack of hot pockets with him. Chivalry isn't dead after all.
I’m doing tequila shots with lesbians. This isn’t how I planned my night but I’m not complaining
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