Sitting in class thinking wow im glad im not hungover...and then i realized im still drunk.
My mom make sausages for dinner...and all I could think of was your dog's penis..
I'm having a self conscious moment and I need your complete honest opinion of my boobs.
Just read my long term horoscope. I'm not gonna get laid for another 2 years.
So I managed to get the bitch who has been copying off me all semester in History to copy the names of Pokemon towns off my test.
just go where the car takes you. fingers crossed its here with breakfast.
You emptied out your taco and asked the lady for a refill...and then you continued to carry out a full conversation SCREAMING
Apparently it is impossible to get kicked out of taco bell....I'll try harder next time
The leasing office is hiring, so I gave them my resume and class schedule. I doubt they'll call me considering last summer at their "exotic animal" pool party I marched in with a funnel and demanded the employees chug. I doubt they've forgotten.
Half of my brain feels like I donated it to science and they basically just poured jack Daniels on it and put out cigarettes into it before returning it to my skull
Tell me when you get here. I'm drinking beer in the bushes next to your house, and I put my hoodie up because I was cold. Pretty sure everyone lowkey thinks i'm homeless.
He offered to take my unemployed self out for drinks, but I really just want him to buy me the Beyoncé album
Then when he got home he face timed me and showed me his balls
I was laying out of the open window, talking with him on the phone, while we were both puking at the same time.. Guys at the party called it "true love"..
The other day, he sent me a snapchat of his dick in the forest. He captioned it "nature nudes."
he BROKE his KNEE while we were getting it on, called 911 and the ambulance that showed up contained two paramedics, ONE WAS HIS FUCKING SISTER!!! HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?!?!
Poor life choices...?