I wish you could see the look on my boss's face right now.
Before you passed out in the middle of the NHL 10 party you had to prove that you were a better fighter than Patrick Kane. Your not. Thanks for the black eye dipshit.
No, drunk sperm still make babies.
So what if i'm late to spanish tomorrow. who the hell cares. i don't even speak spanish.
He told me his condom was going to expire tomorrow and he needed to use it. I can't believe I fell for it.
These 27 Hilarious People Wrote Their Own Obituaries
hey. so did i get tied up by a jumprope last night?
He was making Jim beam nachos. Chips soaked in whiskey with cheese
I made out with a guy because he ate a grape lollipop and he tasted delicious... not my proudest moment.
The more I piece together last night the more I want to vomit it out of my brain.
Well she just asked a sorority girl if she should fuck her floor mate so it's basically like the blind leading the blind
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Please come collect your inebriated significant other. He just sleep-farted and scared my cats. Please hurry.
mom how many of the songs from my childhood are mexican drinking songs?
all of them.
i'm pretty sure you can't sue someone for "Taking a shit on my kitchen floor."
The chances of me making out with someone next weekend are about the same as me not remembering it.
I'm by myself. some Midwest chick is hitting on me because I gave her a deviled egg. I need the distraction.
I just got CPR certified, don't make me need these skills so soon