Every night before bed, when I used to say prayers, now I just think to myself 'freshman sluts. Soon'
so I smoked with the leasing agent of the apartment complex. Of corse I am going to take this one
the girl sitting next to me in class is using her birth control box as a ruler
you wouldn't come out from under your bed because you said there were six-armed bears everywhere.
ohhh that explains the pepperonis I found in my sock drawer this morning...
no it doesn't.
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I can't wait to find out the true size of his penis! Please maintain enough sobriety for an accurate report.
Then I realized I was alone sitting on the bathroom floor brushing my teeth at 2am laughing to myself.
Sorry you called when I was puking in a cheetos bag
Somehow I magically turned down a threesome last night. On my birthday. You're a horrible wingman.
I've thrown up twice at work. Just casually, in the mop sink. Then continued to make someone a milkshake. Want some ice cream?
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I love how you sexted me before you told me happy birthday. Thank you.
He said that he doesn't like skittles. This relationship is over an it hasn't even started yet.
Please tell me you're not playing strip poker with your cousins again
Should I get the rainbow boxer breifs???
As your boyfriend, this is a level of gay that even I can't handle.
Im including "no monologues past 1am" in the list of apartment rules. Theatre majors dude.
My girlfriend is so strong now. Like on the one hand its kind of hot because she can pin me down during sex, but on the other hand she picked me up and carried me bridal style at the company bbq.