so he came on my face and then proceeded to say "that was just how i imagined it would happen"
where do you find these guys?
I just fucked 3 marines at the same time...how did you celebrate veterans day?
my shit smells like andre
Things I woke up with this morning: half a mcmuffin, orange hair, one shoe and a friendly german man. Tequila was a brilliant idea.
I just bought the ATT family protection plan so that I could block all of my old bar hookups from booty calling me...
For gods sake, I only took one. With two nyquils. What a happy world its been today. Fulfill your obligations and then its marvelouso.
The best part of my day was getting high in the parking lot of the movie theater and taking pics in the photo booth with the caption "CONGRATULATIONS!" we geeked out because it congratulated us for getting high
last night we stole an a/c window unit from a frat. gonna be a great summer
I feel like he has a double life, why was he walking around at 3 am with a backpack?
Your vase full of piss was still at his house and he still doesn't know.
we broke the bed, curtan rods, a dresser drawer, and unless I didn't notice it before, we put a hole in the wall. This is why he and I have to fuck in motels.
All I've done today is make sangria and wonder what the hell I'm doing with my life.
Denim handjobs are the worst handjobs. I hate all handjobs. Why do people even.
YOU ARE STRONGER THAN YOUR VAGINA
What conversation warrents "penis" in rainbow comic sans
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