Charged a drink to your name last night. Thanks for the whiskey
I got a black eye last night. This guy said for every 35 pounds you lose you gain an inch to your dick. I asked him how long he has been peeing sitting down.
Why am I getting the stink eye from these people? They're acting like BYOB isn't kosher in a laundromat.
Who's got a bloodstream full of margaritas by 2pm? Not you, that's for sure, because you've got one of those "real" jobs.
My professor complimented me on the well drawn penis on my face then asked if I would like a seat closer to the garbage can.
That's the point dumbass, I can't use my boss as a reference cause they'd have to fucking call him in prison.
All three of them were helicoptering their dicks to persuade me to take my thong off
Hangover or death. Death. I'll have a slice of death please.
You'd think the dry cleaners next door would be less judgmental for as much business as my theme parties bring them.
Dude, did you know, your blood is contaminated with over 17 non-beer fluids?
Haha he puts me in a mood mix of annoyed and... "just get in my pants"
Oh okay. That's fine. I'll buy us both dinner when you bail me out
It's a post jail date
I fell asleep in the bathroom during my mothers dinner party with no pants on. Her friend walked In. I was told to not come back.
I just drank beer out of an old Vicodin bottle hoping to catch some residue. That's how finals week is going
We are back but we are listening to stairway to heaven in my car. Amy is air drums. Be back when it's over.
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