last night some bitch put bruce along with his entire fishbowl in her purse and tried to leave. how drunk do you have to be to steal someone's pet??
i just made a "things you cannot forget to do this week just because you're high" list.
i'm glad we've gotten to the point in our relationship where I can eat peach rings off your penis.
Well, I just watched him puke into his pitcher at the bar, I doubt he cares about anything other than the fact that he needs a new beer.
I just found my coat check number in my underwear.
It's one of those days where you order the free Papa John's pizza so the delivery guy can bring you Coke to go with your rum. The tip was more than the order.
The sign say "Kereoke" strip bar. 5 more beers and ill be ready to rumble.
Perhaps if I didn't mortify my parents last night with my drunken obnoxious behavior which resulted in the casualty of an entire decorative bathroom shelf which I completely ripped off the wall and left for dead, I would be more than willing to go day drinking.
And he's a cuddle champ. I know because I slept over because I don't know what boundaries are.
I thought you were dead but then you asked me if your tits looked good. They did.
Waking up drunk is great, waking up drunk and hanging with your mom is even better.
Now I have to go back and sober fuck him. For science.
There's nothing like when u really click with a stripper
holy f. i broke my toe giving him head. how does that even happen!?
And on the way out from Applebee's he tried to take the basket of toothpicks claiming he was using them as a tax write off. Last time I babysit my dad on thirsty Thursday.
Randomize
