quitting drinking is the number 5 new years resolution but number 4 is enjoying life more which one do you think im going to pick
I don't have a choice really. It's either lose 15 lbs by Halloween, or I'm going as a giant banana.
Now she's making me sit here and look at pictures of guys she likes who look like bears. She's calling them her bear friends.
I just picked up my chili cheese fries off the ground ate them, and then licked up the cheese that was still on the concrete. Thank you Jagerbombs
I can't remember where my feet are. All I can see are colors, and all I can feel is terror. The lollipop was a bad idea.
YOU WERE HAVING SEX IN THE SAME BED I WAS SLEEPING IN. AND YOU GRABBED MY HAIR. OF COURSE I'M PISSED.
90 seconds of pumping and 2 months of bragging all summer. So much for my reputation here.
Someone brought brownies to work and I was skeptical to eat one then I remembered I was at work and there is no way there is weed in them. Haha I'm blaming you for that.
It says a lot about the way my life is going right now that 'there's no shit in your house' is fucking good news.
Date #3: He brought me a mason jar full of organic weed that he grew on his property. Will you be the witness when we sign our marriage license?
Me: 10% human, 90% poor drunken life choices.
I texted him "my vagina is pounding for you"
I know, you made me proof read it.
You really do take on your dog's personality she sounded like her pug breathing when we were going at it.
And my butt misses you like the deserts miss the rain.
come on Dane.. ive been there. im like the female version of you, except with morals
Randomize
