I haven't been this sober since birth.
She kept saying I was her favorite Jonas brother, and for some reason, I was ok with that.
i have wind burn on my face from my head hanging out the window of the cab vomitting
Is snow just God skeeting all over the place??
Yes. Yes it is.
do you think the bartender judged us for asking for shots of well vodka and water chasers?
There are drunk kids outside our building hugging that cop that's always on his bike as he's citing them for public drunkenness. It's not even 11 am.
I heard you were walking home with taylor with your dress completely up and your ass exposed
Yeah, that sounds like my life.
The hot guy sitting next to me in the lib is reading a book called "Impersonal sex in public places." How wrong would it be to give him my number when I bounce?
Charles Darwin would shit his pants if he saw that we managed to survive that weekend.
I'm on the struggle bus
just ordered a number 1 at a fast food restaurant that doesn't have numbers
WHO DOES THAT ON A TUESDAY? This is not a Drake joke, the girl doesn't turn up OR down. She doesn't do anything.
I must stop trying to make out with my friends when I'm hammered.
its liver damage thursday
Too high to wash a dish but just high enough for a kitchen fire
I thought it was your cat but I was wrong your Roomba is possessed by a pissed-off evil spirit.
Randomize
