after we had sex he told me his original plan was to have sex with my roommate but his buddy likes her so i was backup
I'm also 95% sure I had a conversation with someone on how hard it would be to jerk off with out opposable thumbs
And apparently midway I said "hurry up and finish so we can talk about what a bad idea this was"
my parents decided to start a new christmas tradition. we will now be drinking champagne while opening presents, and we each get our own bottle
We were fucking at break-dick speeds.
If you are drunk already, then as your friend I am advising you to stop writing on your dads Facebook wall
he threw up in a solo cup, then washed it out and used it to play flip cup. Im not sure if thats resourceful or disgusting.
He literally wrote out a schedule. On it, there's a taco break, and a spot where I start crying.
Its perfect, I supply the pot she makes the brownies. I love the culinary dept.
I'm not allowed to have sex with him again. My vagina joined in on the protest. There was a petition. All my body parts signed it.
I'll give you a blowjob in a Santa hat if it will put you in the Christmas spirit
I yelled at him as he left "you broke up with me. You lost your blow job privileges"
Its like the floor is slow but life is fast?
I see you found the nyquil...
Disregard everything I texted you last night. Oh, and disregard me hooking up with your boyfriend.
woke up to two girls crawling on top of me forcefeeding me bacon. Best. Hangover. Ever.
Randomize
