at least after i hook up with someone i have the decency to ignore them
The one night I bring a girl home you leave the footloose soundtrack playing.
Vanilla vodka + chocolate soymilk does NOT equal an epic milkshake.
Another one? Damn, how many David's is that?
six.
Oh, I thought it was higher.
No, that would be the Matt's
I was greeting people at my door feeding them jello shots out of an ice cube tray with a spoon.
he convinced me that i wont have to do the walk of shame bc he has to go to jail in the morning
He literally sends me dick pictures, EVERY DAY. SEVERAL DIFFERENT ANGLES ..it's like I GET THE POINT.
I thought you just gave him blowjobs and he criticized your drug use.
Then she looked me straight in the eyes and asked me if I missed my foreskin. Weirdest conversation ever.
How the fuck am I supposed to enjoy a third ice day from school if I only bought enough alcohol for 2?
I don't know, maybe act like an adult who teaches children for a living
It's like we're not even friends
It gave me the St Patrick's Day nickname Slutty McShitfaced. I've never felt so understood.
Goddamn it. Hes got me addicted to his penis
I took a dab in Denver and was I. Rocky Mountain national park almost to Wyoming before I realized I missed my turn.
My friend just got engaged and I'm setting vibrators on fire.
Your life rocks...
Too hungover to brush my teeth. took a swig of menthol schnapps instead. lazy or incredibly efficient?
Youre my hero
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