You should really figure out how to get me a picture that will pop up on my phone when you call
Just upload a picture of Bea Arthur. That's what my soul looks like these days
If I had a sex resume I'd get tons of jobs.
my boobs are a 3G dead zone. as soon as i take my phone out of my bra, it has a signal again.
New all-time record for most uncomfortable I've ever been. A midget just asked me to restrap his fanny pack in the bathroom.
Definitely contact high. Thirty miles an hour listening too i can see clearly now wanting too eat the steering wheel
He fell asleep and I'm awkwardly laying here because all I have to wear is my tutu. I'm pretty sure his roommate is going to be back soon so this should be fun. This is my life now. PS. the background of his phone is a picture of his hedgehog.
I'm not really sure what went on in my mouth last night but right now it tastes like what I can only imagine is a mixture of astroglide and peanut butter. You hungry?
Can we talk about the fact that I plucked weed off your ass this morning like it's a normal thing to do?
There are panties and mini bottles of Fireball in my purse. Except for the broken toe incident, I'd say last night was probably a success.
NO SHITSVILLE I just saw a homeless dude punch a pigeon that flew by him
We need a fire pit. Meat. And a keg.I mean like a cow we just carve from. And cook it. We can use the milk from the udder to make White Russians
There's nothing more awkward than going on a beer run with 3 ten year olds....teacher of the year right here!
Between having seen you naked and interpreting your values based on the occasional political FB post, you're no stranger for sure.
CURSE YOU AND YOUR SEXY LOGIC
I don't know what's worse. The fact that my biological mother is an unwitting bigamist, or the fact that my half sister is trying to seduce my girlfriend.
Randomize
