Tell LD happy birthday and party like it's $19.99
Recession joke.
Three 40's of Mickeys, is no excuse to be naked at Baskin Robins.
Flying into Chicago for a few days, getting re-deployed in September, we should probably fuck
Kristina got the same text from you just now, she's sitting next to me, how many people did you send this to?
You were running around with scissors offering people free haircuts.
he designed a suit out of pillows to protect himself when he fell.
engineering majors are such efficient drunks.
Idk wtf I would do on a date. I thought wed passed that stage at least for a while. Nowadays dates should consist of blackouts and shameful mistakes.
Lots of alcohol. 3rd graders fuck me now.
Auto correct or actual 3rd graders?
you shall refer to me as my indian name from now on...running with dumb cunts
Hungover/still slightly drunk at work. Opened a bag of cheese with a box cutter. Pretty sure I need stitches.
She fell down no less than 4 times while we were at the club. One of which was while she was in the bathroom stall next to me.
She slapped me in the face with a McDouble. Just threw it right at my face while I was driving... That is why we can't bring her out in public.
Just say the word and u can be elbow deep in this glorious rack
This is why I love you...
Bonded with the ladies at the perfume outlet by saying "help me smell like i'm not hungover before my shift starts". This is not where I wanted my life to be
I'm sorry about the spring break comment. I won't make anymore pornos, I promise.
My hook-up from last week somehow found me at the club, saw the girl I was trying to fuck, kissed me right in front of her, and walked off.
Randomize
