Update, blind date is cute and fun.
Scratch that, blind date just threw up.
Just found a shot glass and plan b in my backpack...
Im guessing the shot glass is for plan c?
he was sobbing,drinking his beer, all while confessing his love for her. awkward was an understatement...
he told me my vagina was like a beautiful piece of salami
I think "I actually like giving blow jobs better" qualifies her as a keeper
You probably don't remember. You were drunk and getting your tits drummed on like haitian bongos in a voodoo ritual.
This may be hard to believe, but that wasn't the first time I was fingered under a snuggie
It's not
Getting stoned at work has never been a good idea, but im always more than willing to give it another chance
I'm gonna let my dick speak for itself from now on. Seriously, it's always recruiting for me even after 6 hours of drinking.
The problem is drunk me is completely unaware how poor I am
The Mole People would help. They are a kind, helpful people, the Mole People are.
Mole people?
Mole people
So we just smoked a bowl, out of an antler, with this old dude, while standing at the bar. Dude just walked up and said we were in his spot, just began packing it and handing it around...
How about we just fuck in random places all around campus, and skip the boring relationship part?
I just sang beautiful by Christina Aguilera to a kebab. This is what my life has come to.
WHO CARES HE GIVES YOU TOE CURLING ORGASMS AND SAYS YOU HAVE KISSABLE SKIN AND RUNWAY MODEL HAIR....WHILE INTOXICATED WITH HIS BEST FRIEND. AND THEN HE SENDS YOU CUTE SELFIES OF THEM!!!!!!! WTF MORE DO YOU WANT FROM LIFE!!! DIE HAPPY ALREADY LADY!!!
Randomize
