Just tipped at a bar in cheerios. Suck it.
Note to self: Not getting laid all weekend makes girls in mondays classes racks seem enormously bigger.
wait one more day. tuesday is my official "i hit on you and/or we hooked up this weekend" friend request day.
For future references, orgasms clear sinuses.
when you agree to fuck a guy it does by NO means make it okay for his roommate to hide in the closet with doritos and watch
Dude, I checked into a cathedral... I thought it was a joke, until I found a candle and a whole bunch of coins in my purse
Who the fuck was that guy he kept pulling his dick out walking up to people trying to hand it to people and saying go ahead open the door like it was a door knob
he was too drunk to climb up my loft. i owe my beating teen pregnancy to four pieces of steel
Wearing a shark mask, slugging tequilla, in cowboy boots, and not minding that my spandex is on backwards. What are you up to?
Did you put pizza in my boxers last night?
I left you 4 hours ago. Have you been walking around with shit in your pants all day?
We're now referring to our nightly Skype time as "strokes of genius." Long distance sucks.
ever bang a guy wearing an $800 suit? today you will.
I feel like this is something I should shave my legs for
If he doesn't fuck you on the 4th of July, he doesn't really love this country.
I'm taking pictures of my asshole to send to my boss. This is not what I had in mind the day after thanksgiving.
When I walked out of the bathroom and you were literally dancing, you looked at me and said 'this is how I dance'. And then continued.
Randomize
