I found the orange juice, it was hiding in the vodka...trickster.
She knew it was going down when I had her search for "condoms" in my iPhone Maps.
my roommate's gf just broke up with him and hes in his room crying and listening to coldplay while beating off to pictures of her...
I know it's not your turn to do the dishes, but since they're covered in your puke, it is.
my debit card account is gonna say movie, movie, ice cream, movie, cheese fries, get a fucking life, movie
we were fucking and all I could think about is how my silly bands were glowing in the dark.
Youre at medical school. Im eating raw cookie dough, pickles, and orange juice. Naked. On a monday afternoon. I clearly make better life choices than you.
No amount of marijuana is enough to justify blood on my ceiling
Went to anytime fitness at 3:34 am drunk after the the bar and getting whataburger. Lifted weights with my cheeseburger between my knees. That's called DEDICATION.
Two words. Shotgunning Cognac.
This has already gotten way out of hand
Maybe I'll just get really drunk on valentines day and tell him I think his penis is small
Boys that pee in my bed don't get happy birthday wallposts on facebook
I choose McDonald's breakfast at 1:28am over sex anytime
Major win last night. I traded my roommate two cigs for a six pack and a bag of beef jerky. This has been a Brian weekend update
I also farted in bed this morning and said, "I don't even care. My body deserves that."
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