I wish I had my own personal Asian lady that lived under my bed so that she could wax my eyebrows and give me a pedicure whenever I wanted.
been home a week and haven't blacked out yet. i miss college
it is entirely possible that the police will be knocking on the door in 25 minutes
well let's see. after you forcefully shoved a half-eaten apple in my mouth, you ruined the pepsi by dumping an entire beer in there.
I have to be at work in a hour. Can you sufficiently fuck me in 35 minutes?
I miss the good ol days when id just come home from school and thered be a costco size box of condoms on my bed.
my parents really loved me back then.
I always ask when they're due. It's the nicest way for me to let her know the rest of the world can tell she's putting on weight too
And I'm still awake, and you left me. Like the guy on Jurassic Park, that jumped out of the car expecting me to save myself while there is a man eating T-rex ready to tear my ass apart except theres a mathematician and paleontologist there to save me because they are bad asses.
Well, that was my first dog walk of shame. Nothing says "I've got my life together" like an inside out shirt and a baggie full of dog shit.
He went down on me to the national anthem being sung by Jordan sparks. It was very patriotic of him
You ruined the universe
Just imagine a dick squawking like a parrot
He was tied up with the electrical tape and force fed wine from a box. It was never going to end well.
In other news I was masturbating last night and came really fucking hard to the thought of yelling at a customer....
Im going for myspace 2006 goth bitch. Your worst nightmare
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