today's thought: if you're naming your fb album "wEdDiNg dAy!!!!!!" you're too young to get married
Dude just bought condoms some sad fuck next to me buying a pregnancy test he gave me a look like he'd pay me millions to switch places
It's like a mixture of two words
"town" and "Im too drunk to spell right now"
He likes Jesus. Game over.
Oooh wait, he just told me he was high.
This year i'm grateful for nothing other than the discovery that the uncircumcized rumors about him were wrong
the upside of dating someone over 21: he can buy me a pregnancy test AND a bottle of wine when he goes to cvs for me
I am playing a little game I like to call "How Quickly Can I Infuse This Vodka Into My Bloodstream Without the Use of an IV"
I feel so nauseous and all I want is string cheese. My life never makes sense.
you flipped over the sheets and there was my bed. filled with ding dongs.
I'm like 89% sure I could get him to buy me a car in exchange for a half-assed handy.
I pack a first-aid kit when I DD for you. What does that tell you about your partying? For what I see and do, paying my food and gas for the night is a goddamn BARGAIN.
Did I tell you that I told him I deleted his dick pics and he almost started crying?
You had sex with a kid to spare him the shame of being a virgin. Evidence is on my side.
Who put the toilet in the living room? This is extremely inconvenient right now.
Last night I realized I made a dick appt 2 MONTHS IN ADVANCE!!!!....... WHO THE HELL DOES THAT!?!? LMAO!
Randomize
