Omg. If Ina Garten Makes roast chicken one more time im going to strangle her with her white button down
I've decided to only have meaningless sex from now on.
And what brought this epiphany?
I've decided it's a lot easier to have dirty amazing sex with someone when you don't care about the other person or what they think of you. I'm going to test this theory soon. Will update you later
I told my boyfriend my favorite food was strawberry poptarts, now my email inbox is getting spammed with nude pics of him with his dick in a poptart box..
I'm pretty sure you can't just waltz into a walk in clinic and ask them to de-baby you.
[insert really romantic bullshit about how much i love you and how beautiful you are so you will suck my dick tonight]
I promise a much better performance tomorrow than last night my penis has a bed time
If this outfit doesn't get me pregnant tonight I don't know what will...
If you spent as much time trying to get laid as you do masturbating you would surpass all of us.
Im going in through the window and borrowing her dog. Dont worry ive done this before. we have an agreement.
Last time i carry you out of a forest
We went from zero to drunk tank in 45 minutes.
The ecstacy made me so dehydrated I started licking condensation off car windows
There is a woman in the stall next to me giving a pep talk to her daughter that wants to call off her wedding. I'm afraid to pee!
You did an excessive amount of blow and then screamed "WHO THE FUCK NEEDS A LADDER?!" And then Mario style wall-jumped onto the roof. It was one of the most impressive things I've ever seen.
Omg I just looked in my purse from last night.. 10 bags of gummy bears.
Randomize
