omg i finished an entire carton of double double chunk chunk ice cream last night...
what? what exactly is in double double chunk chunk?
self-loathing.
Let's just say for some reason we thought it was okay to make a burrito smoothie.
This is a dangerous game of "whose life is more pathetic".
You were wasted and fell in a pond when you met him, it's not like you were on top of your game
...and the foreplay consisted of me threatening to cut off his hand if he didn't remove it from my back.
The cops are here to take me to jail, so I guess I have to go with them. If I'm not out by 6 p.m., there is some left-over lasagna in the fridge for you.
She ditched her BF in the library to come see me wasted at a house party and i still ended up banging that rugby chick instead.
I never thought the first time a taser would be used on me would be at an applebees
I'm pretty sure the bus driver knew how hung over I was and hit all the pot holes on purpose. I threw up into my water bottle.
was I really that bad?
you army crawled across the kitchen floor, turned the cat into "super kitty" and crawled into the dog cage
Prepare for massive TMI but anyway long story short I have a Swiss flag band-aid across my balls.
What a patriot you are. How'd it happen?
I threw up in my backpack last night, but at least it wasn't in the pizza box again
I realized it was late, and he was my brother in humanity and another incarnation of my own life force and consciousness, so I regained control of myself, thanked him for helping me, and went home.
And change of plans today, I'm gonna lay in bed and eat taco bell and try not to die. Brazilians another day.
Someone sitting next to me at this football game is totally eating chicken nuggets out of his pocket and drinking four loko. I wanna be him.
Randomize
