I wanted to tell him he wasn't actually in me, but my god, awkward?
Is it physically possible to shit out my own bone marrow? Because if not, then I need to see a doctor immediately.
I just asked the dr if it was herpes while wearing my shirt from the strip club...
I told you to stay away from the strippers in Oklahoma
He was streaking. We were hammered. We had roman candles. It only made sense to shoot them at him.
You just kept walking around saying "my brain is soup" then sat on the kitchen counter washing your feet. You bit the guy that tried to help you down
We had sex in the bathroom. Good sex. Toilet breaking sex.
This is what happens when wu tang raised you
I literally just rubbed my stomach and told my liver to "hang in there baby"
He made the moves first, we made out...then we folded his laundry.
Throwing up into Nora's potty chair while simultaneously having beer shits was truly the highlight of my Christmas season.
Who am I kidding? With my track record, I'm going to end up sleeping at the strip club with just nipple tassels on.
I just woke up in his bed.. in a cardboard castle, with a Justin Bieber poster on the ceiling staring down at me, cuddling with 4 empty PBR cans. I win.
I had a threesome last night with my fiance' and our soon to be best man. Everyone is surprisingly chill about it this morning. Is this any indication of what the wedding night will be like?
I had to break up with her. She was sending me study schedules and recipes for vegan lasagna. I’m just trying to survive man
Hot fire fighters installing my closet. Don't know how to go about this. Gonna nonchalantly take my shirt off and see what happens..
Randomize
