girl you didnt miss much. except me passing out for 3 hours AT JOBBIE NOONER on some random's boat. i was topless, then completely naked. heard girls were throwing ice cubes at me. i was useless. remember nothing.
He had on juicy sweatpants and thats when i knew he was no longer a threat.
Ian has mac and cheese all in his bed/on the wall. Either you did it or he fell asleep with a bowl in his hand and spasmed in his sleep.
Cooked or uncooked?
i purposely bought her a small sweater. My way of saying, you've gotten fat.
ok so I'm texting you now like I promised instead of drunktexting aaron and telling him how badly I want his cock tonight. aren't you proud?
this is Aaron, hi
Oh shit. The kids are pole dancing on a broom. It's like I'm seeing my future offspring before my eyes.
how do you say happy birthday to the guy that almost got you pregnant? i cant just write the same thing as last year.
Our date was amazing and I would like to reward you with a blow job under your desk.
I can pencil you in at 3:30
Where the hell did all of these gingers come from? It's like they crawled out of their shame-caves for st Patrick's day.
There's a naked man in my car right now.
yeah well, its not like my astrogynecology class is teaching me what i need to know
im almost 90% sure there is no such thing as astrogynecology.
and then you called me a third time and yelled that you were stealing a puppy named Willow
So, Cheetos don't microwave great.
He called me 'pal' while complimenting how well I took his load on my face. I've officially been fuckbuddy-zoned.
Here's a tip: do NOT chant "MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS." during sex because the Packers won against the Giants.
Randomize
