New boss looks like john cusack in a collar. Hot. Why do i always want to have sex with priests?
Last night was epic. Hooked up with Emma Watson, found twenty bucks, and then passed out on my floor.
No you didn't. You drank unbelievable amounts of 151, passed out in someone else's bathroom, and we carried you back to your floor. Nice dreams though.
I feel like I should put "don't judge me" in the special instructions for the pizza guy.
I don't care if he acts like a don't exist 6 days a week. On the 7th day he makes makes my vagina cry. In a good way. Jesus understands.
Too late, the blunt's already in my cleavage
the last time i saw him was an hour he was floating face down in a pool... but i'm sure he's fine.
I thought she was being abused so tried to go in at the sympathy angle, but the bruises were from pole dancing. I went in at all angles.
Baked and hanging out with Al from Home Improvement's son. You can't make this shit up. Tuh-rippin balls
I renamed his cat Jeff last night. Well I spray painted it on him.
C'mon. I'm still an alcoholic at heart, regardless of its broken or not
No don't worry! What are obnoxious, alcoholic, slut roommates for if not for uplifting words and tales of my folly?!
Ugh. I'm going to die alone, sister. Half-eaten by one of my thirty-seven cats and clutching a martini shaker
If u ever apologize to me for "too-rough" sex again I will suspend ur all-access pass to my vagina indefinitely
Every time I download Tinder again, I hate myself a little more.
If I don't wake up tomorrow you inherit my paycheck and can only spend it at cinnabon
Randomize
