oh my god I didn't know your sister was this good at french kissing
I told u I don't really remember everything lol i pretty much remember not lasting as long as I norm and that I wore a condom, I hate condoms
she pooed on me. she actually pooed on me.
i would hope so, cause i don't think 'i drove off the road because i was getting some head' is covered in insurance
I can't be drunk. Sober yes. Drunk no. Spoonfuls
It's confirmed. We did xmas carol the grocery store across the street from his building at 2:30am... Only the staff was there.
Two things. 1 - I want to apologize for my drunkeness last night. 2 - I want to pre-apologize for my anticipated drunkeness tonight.
That awkward moment when the dude you blew on camera in college friend requests you on Facebook.
Who is this?!????
That awkward moment when you think you're texting a friend the above statement, but instead you text a stranger.
YOU ARE SO GOD DAMN LOUD AND YOU'RE SHAKING THE GOD DAMN HOUSE. FUCKING STOP.
I told you when I started the only reason I was gonna coach your kids soccer team was that I could meet all the hot soccer moms. So why are you so mad I slept with your ex?
If I don't quit picking up guys when I'm drunk, I'm going to need a vagina transplant.
The prescription the hospital gave me for pain and nausea doubles for my hangovers... Maybe I'll hit up the ER more often
I currently hiding in an upside down garbage can please come find me
the gnome is staring at me and the pineapple is wearing shorts. I don't want to do this anymore.
If you can throw 105 mph it’s mandatory that you’re hung.
Randomize
