Why did you send me a picture of a dick?
It was an accident sry. Not mine tho.
i killed an earwig and left its corpse on the wall as a warning
I just saw a girl walking home wearing a tshirt, boxers, and cowboy boots. Thanks for having the decency to drive me to my car.
I have left a significant number of teethmarks in my prhone. My mouth tastes like tequila and cheddar. Tomorrow already feels fun.
I have to fuck proof my bed. It was in the middle of the room this time.
Hypothetically speaking, what is the proper response if one gets bitten by a most likely not rabid squirrel? Hypothetically.
Is it too early to start a donation jar for my 4th of july hospital bills?
you did that thing you do when youre drunk where you rant about bruce springsteen, start hooking up with someone and then pass out midway through
Some girl is sitting topless in the kitchen and having a Skype video chat with some guy. I already like it here.
I threw up through my nose tonight. Happy cinco de mayo
Tomorrow is my favorite texting day of the year... It's where I send every guy I've had sex with this past year a text saying "happy not a Father's Day" and we laugh and I get so much dick it's wonderful.
On a brighter more disgusting note...... I think I just shart myself but I'm too afraid to find out.
Guy from the bar last night left his number on my waterbill on the counter, at the bottom he put don't forget I can hook you up at Little Caesars I work their part time.
You sure know how to pick em.
Best and worst whiskey dick ever. I am hungover and can't move from the hours of sex, he on the other hand has a raw bruised dick. I win.
None of what you just said was coherent
I just bought wine at a gas station what the hell do you expect
Randomize
