just caught my little brother jacking off the family pet
how was your day?
fuck the small talk. are you bringing the liquor tonight or am i?
I'll be honest, not actually surprised to find half a Big Mac box and bits of broken security glass by the sofa.
you kept telling her you'd make a great step-dad while cuddling her and rubbing her back...
I might lose an organ but I've got booze. I'll be fine.
the number of desperate girls at the gym right now is unfair. it would be cruel not to let one blow me.
I don't want to die alone with cake watching shows about cake
I've lost all respect for marriage since I joined this bachelor party.
James is trying to butt-heads with a moose. I don't know whether I should stop him or just sit back and watch where this goes.
Everyone heard you scream that I was to be naked, in your bed in 5 minutes. We were one hell of a shitshow spectacle
I actually want to work out for some reason... I think it's my brains way of telling me it doesn't like living in a fat body.
what better way to celebrate the birth of jesus christ than to get embarrassingly intoxicated and make poor decisions!?
I said no to friends with benefits because it was too much commitment
Like I thought me shitting my pants was bad today... Then the election happened.
I told my mom Jesus would want me to snort drugs on his birthday
Randomize
