My roommate and I had a nyquil contest. The nyquil won.
so howd the 'mom i only play with condoms' conversation go?
Whatever, she only has 293 friends, she cant afford to be defriending me..
my mom noticed the "toothpaste" stain on my tshirt...she repeatedly attempted to get it off by licking her thumb and rubbing it. See Jenn it obviously doesnt taste that bad...
if you want blown tonight you're gonna have to take me up on that offer now. in less then 45 minutes you're gonna be blacked out and i'm not doing something i'm not getting credit for in the morning.
You convinced me that eggnog and rum is a great moisturizer.
My fuck buddy took time out of his date with his girlfriend to text me happy Valentines Day.
Eating my shrimp pasta on the porch with a 40, wearing a Hawaiian shirt, proclaiming "I GOT SCRIMPS." I just jumped the shark of college.
I guess I look like the kind of girl who would buy edible, weed-infused lube.
you said "i met the love of my life tonight" and i said "me?" and you said "no, hummus"
Who put the meatball sub on my door handle?
like, is this a date?? I'm sitting on his couch drinking a juice box while he makes taquitos in sweat pants
he drove over two hours to fuck me and came in 3 minutes. he got mad when I asked him if it was worth it...
Why can't you just be normal and get dick pics from your exes like everyone else?
The squirrels were at the front door. Dude I swear..
Randomize
