I'm lost and stupid without you.
I have a running excel spreadsheet detailing the number of shots in a night and subsequent ability to masturbate
It's going to be great. They guy at the store said 3 shots and you won't be able to feel your face or stop smiling.
don't blame me for your drunken lack of judgement
big words... still drunk. dont care. your fault.
do you know what somber means? it's kinda the opposite of a kegstand
Its like a zucchini between his legs. An orgasmic zucchini.
Please save me from this creative non fiction class. I just wrote a paper about how I spend unhealthy amounts of time with my cat.
I spend unhealthy amounts of time watching RuPaul's Drag Race.
I referred to the cat as amicable.
It was kinda hard to explain to his wife why there was chocolate syrup on the ceiling.
The guy at the ER said it was the first time he's given stitches for a funneling accident. Then he seemed upset that I took pride in that...
hooking up with him was much more fun when i knew in the back of mind we'd get in some sort of trouble for it
I woke up with "To whom it may concern" sharpied on my dick
I need a beard to bite.
I need to sleep so I can die properly tomorrow.
the most terrified I've ever been was seeing Danny Devito squirming on the ground in this underwear, covered in hand sanitizer, completely hairless
Hey I'm trying to get back with my ex I'mm done doing whatever we were doing I hope things workout for you
Weird flex but ok.
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