So I used to make fun of texas a lot, then I got here and I found a place where I could get my tequila in a to go cup with a straw and I realized that this is the only place I ever want to be
half the nation just spent an hour watching a balloon fly around. we are officially the dumbest fucking country.
I wanted to dispute a few 411 charges on my phone bill. The service rep told me I called them four times asking for Lady Gaga's number.
Who spends 33 dollars at Taco Bell and lives???
can I come stay the night
yeah, but no sex tonight
I'll stay home
Every single item that was in my fridge is now in my hot tub. Please help
He called himself Jesus all night but I'm not sure if that's his real name or not
I just had sex in the men's bathroom of a Chinese buffet...
YOU ARE MY HERO
The fact that it was "anything but a cup" now explains the cowboy boots and fishbowl aftermath at the apartment.
Do you know how much wine is in a box of wine? Not so much an amount, but whether it will kill me if I drink the entire box this xmas
I never thought in a million years that I would have a threesome with my boss and his wife and yet here we are.
I'm sitting at my kitchen table alone dressed as a dinosaur smoking bowls in the dark. Is this rock bottom? Or is this living the dream? Who's to say
Never let the horse trainer ride you, always ride the horse trainer. I have huge bruises on my thighs from his hip bones. That's how hard he rode me
Honestly, I am sitting in my room watching Ciara videos and thinking I am super jealous of how she rides it.
Psssh like you wouldn't lick BBQ sauce off my nipples.
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