I don't remember what your face looks like..
I don't remember your face either, just your dick.
Now that my 6 day bender is behind me, I just realized I might have been the one who took a shit in our mailbox that past few days.
I called my dad at 3 a.m. because I thought he'd be proud that I didnt get arrested. Daddys little girl at her finest...
How unacceptable would it be to bar hop with a funnel in the square? It's Halloweekend and I plan on going hard. I can claim it goes w/ my costume. But I don't think the MIMITW uses funnels.
Power went out. She lit a candle and gave me head. Made some pretty impressive candlelight cocksucking shadowpuppets. Must be what porn was like in olden times.
I'm now drinking beer through a straw. By order of the bartender.
If you're not going to call the girls I bring around by name, at least don't call them by number. It's been cockblocking since girl #47. Dick.
and then i signed some dudes back with a turkey hand print in honor of thanksgiving
low point in my life last night. licked pizza grease off my iphone screen..
And I'm only telling you that because I really wanted to use 'my boyfriend' and 'dick biscuit' in the same sentence.
I need an IV, a new head, and stronger morals.
it was just another one of those moments where you unfriendzone a friend you assumed to be gay
Oh I see how it is...you can snap chat the world your balls but I wear dinosaur feetie pajamas and I'm the "weird one"
Just jacked in the family restroom in the hospital while eating beef jerky and looking at reddit gone wild.
With each thrust he'd whisper "like a ninja." Should I be flattered or appalled?
Randomize
